To peace along the path of agony

One of the attributes that I appreciate most in many of the characters in the Bible is that mixture of weakness and strength that is discernible in their personality, the dark and bright areas that fight incessantly within them , and that remind me of the vicissitudes and zigzags of my own spiritual experience.

Through the years I too have struggled with the persistent and contradictory urges of my personality. On many occasions, like Paul, I have asked the Lord multiple times to free me from some secret thorn, and again and again I have had to settle for his firm but paternal advice: “My grace is sufficient for you; because my power is perfected in weakness ”.

It is necessary to clarify that these sinful tendencies have occurred in the context of a deep aspiration to please the Lord, and a consuming passion to serve and be useful to him. I have had to accept the psychological and spiritual reality that within us, within who we are in this fallen condition that we inhabit, good and evil, carnal and spiritual, deep love for God and dark demands can coexist. of the meat. For those of us who recognize this harsh reality of Christian experience, the honest words of the Apostle Paul, which we have already mentioned in another context, resonate with crystal clarity (Romans 7: 21-25):

21 So when I want to do good, I find this law: that evil is in me.

22 For according to the inner man, I delight in the law of God;

23 But I see another law in my members, rebelling against the law of my mind, and leading me captive to the law of sin that is in my members.

24 Wretched me! Who will free me from this body of death?

25 I thank God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. So, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

Pablo recognizes the internal struggle that divides him. He understands that something like two natures in constant conflict move in him, what he calls "the law of my mind" and "the law of sin." Those two inclinations keep him in continuous tension, alternating between a deep sense of frustration at the continuing tendency to sin ("Wretched me! Who will free me from this body of death?"), And a sense of gratitude for the fact. that in Jesus Christ there is hope of freedom and justification ("I thank God, through Jesus Christ our Lord").

Through these sincere words, the great apostle acknowledges the true condition of all of us who love the Lord deeply, but who are also forced to recognize that, while we are in the flesh, we will have to fight against the sinister tendencies of our biological nature.

Interestingly, that expression of deep frustration on the part of the great apostle gives rise in the next chapter of Romans to one of the most wonderful expressions of Christian confidence and assurance in the entire Bible. There Paul confidently declares (Romans 8: 1,2):

1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has freed me from the law of sin and death.

As we have pointed out before (' Knowing our deformations '), this realistic and honest recognition of the complexity of the human soul in no way impoverishes our understanding of experience. of sanctification, or of the power of God to perfect and polish us through time. It simply deepens and complex the spiritual journey of the believer. It adds more texture and mystery — and more beauty perhaps — to our spiritual pilgrimage here on earth. In my own life, just as I have had to struggle with those persistent giants for a long time, I have also seen them fall one after another through prayer, fasting, continual surrender of my will to the Lord, continual confession, and the exercise of self-control strengthened by the Holy Spirit and the word of God.

The victories gained during that pilgrimage have been costly and long-term. They have cost me tears, sleeplessness and shame. But those long days in the desert have also left in my being a sediment of humility, patience and mercy towards others that have been extremely useful in my career as a pastor and counselor of souls. They have forced me to discover and turn to the resources that the Word provides for the long and exhausting pilgrimages of the Spirit. They have given me access to the heart and mysteries of God that I would not have otherwise known. They have made me much more realistic and tolerant of the flaws and inconsistencies of others.

I am sure that those struggles with the angel in the middle of the night have allowed me to know God and know myself in a way that would not have been possible if the sanctification process had been linear and simple. God has glorified himself in all my struggles. At all times He has been faithful and consistent in His mysterious procedures. The result of that zigzagging and agonizing journey has justified the adventures of the trip! I can fully identify with the words of the writer of Hebrews, who as we see, understood very well the struggles, agonies and victories of the farmer, the athletic runner and the soldier (Hebrews 12:11):

11 It is true that no discipline at present seems to be a cause of joy, but of sadness; But afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.